When a loved one dies, the many tasks that follow can feel overwhelming. While some are straightforward, others, like writing an obituary notice and eulogy, can seem daunting, especially for those not accustomed to writing.
However, approaching these tasks as an opportunity to celebrate and remember your person through stories can transform the process into a powerful way to grieve, heal, and honour their life. I was recently reminded of this during a “Father’s Day make-up date” with my dad. Friends we met asked him about his life. His responses were cryptic and brief, missing the opportunity to share the richness of his life experiences with them. I believe many people, like my dad, let humility prevent them from fully sharing their unique qualities. Having the chance to one day contribute to his obituary and eulogy will allow my family to both celebrate the brilliance of his life experiences and fondly reflect on the unique quirks of his character that make him who he is.
Obituary Notice versus Eulogy
While both obituaries and eulogies create a way to tell the story of a person’s life, especially when it goes beyond names and dates, they also offer the opportunity to give perspective to their lives. However, each one serves a different purpose.
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, an obituary is defined as, “a notice of a person’s death usually with a short biographical account”, while a eulogy is defined as, “a commendatory oration or writing especially in honor of one deceased”. Another important distinction between the two is that an obituary notice is meant to be made public by publishing it in a newspaper and / or posting it on an online obituary site (many funeral businesses, like KORU, offer this service), while a eulogy is given verbally at a service that may or may not be open to the public.
Many people feel intimidated when it comes to having to write either piece, even if they are comfortable with writing. After all, the content of what is about to be written is incredibly important to get correct, to strike the right tone, and to include as much as possible within a framework that is affordable to publish in print or digestible by the audience who is listening to the eulogy speech.
With this in mind, I hope you will find the suggestions and prompts below helpful.
Writing a Good Obituary Notice
Many people ask if obituary notices are required when one dies in BC and the short answer is no, it is not a legal requirement. However, estate trustees may be required to publish a notice of death if the estate they are managing is going through probate. The purpose of this notice is to inform potential creditors of the death, thereby allowing them to come forward to make their claim on the estate. This kind of notice is often referred to as a “Notice to Creditors” and can either be an obituary notice published in a local paper where the deceased lived, or it can be published in the BC Gazette (King’s Printer) out of Victoria, using their standard form.
While many obituary notices follow a standard format, often utilizing templates, there’s no strict requirement for a particular writing style. Most obituaries include the deceased’s full name, age, and dates and places of birth and death, along with a list of survivors, significant life accomplishments, and hobbies or passions. Information regarding memorial services is also typically included. To make an obituary more personal and meaningful, consider adding details beyond just the facts, such as personality traits, unique quirks, and specific interests. Highlighting these personal attributes also helps set the appropriate tone for the notice, whether it’s joyful, reverent, or humorous.
Another important recommendation when writing a public notice is to be mindful of offering too much specific information about the deceased that could lead to making their information vulnerable and theft of their identity. Information we suggest to exclude from the notice and other tips to be aware of are:
- Do not include the deceased’s full date of birth, instead only note the age of the deceased person.
- Use only the first names of other people who are to be mentioned in the obituary notice.
- If providing full service details, such as the date, time and location, ensure that the family home is well secured on the service date to prevent break-ins.
Ultimately, there are no strict rules for writing a notice. If you find yourself struggling, prioritize expressing warmth and truth over formality.
Writing a Good Eulogy
As with writing an obituary notice, there isn’t a specific format that must be used when preparing a eulogy. In fact, eulogies are a perfect opportunity to really get into the details of who the deceased was to all who they encountered. Unlike an obituary notice, a eulogy is not publicly posted in a written format, leaving the writer to freely write and include information that fits the occasion. You may want to focus on a particular theme and organize the stories you tell around that theme. This is your opportunity to think about what mattered most to the deceased, what they would have wanted to be remembered for and write from the heart with that in mind. This does not mean that you should exclude qualities about the deceased or instances involving them that may seem like they are uncomplimentary. In fact, if written with a theme in mind, those types of stories can be incredibly impactful. Honesty spoken with love resonates deeply with others.
A good way to start is by reflecting on memories and events that stand out to you and others. If you are able, ask your family and friends to reminisce with you so that you can capture their stories as well. If you do choose to pick a theme to design the eulogy around, the theme may present itself as you gather those stories and memories.
If you find yourself getting stuck on how to express something, try thinking about how you would tell the story to a friend. Don’t worry too much about being grammatically correct. If you can write like you speak it will make the eulogy all the more sincere and compelling.
When you are ready to put pen to paper, some basic tips may be beneficial. Begin with a personal greeting and state your relationship to the deceased. Aim for a speech duration of 5-7 minutes. It’s advisable to write down your speech beforehand rather than improvising, and bring the written copy with you for reference. Memorization is not necessary. It is perfectly acceptable to express emotion – cry, laugh, have moments of silence, or blow your nose. Having someone prepared to step in for you is also a good idea. While practicing beforehand can be beneficial, authenticity is more important than a perfectly rehearsed delivery.
Helpful Resources
In writing this blog, I have frequently emphasized that there are no set formats for writing an obituary notice or a eulogy, but if you know that having something concrete to guide you will make writing easier for you, our staff at KORU can share templates and writing prompts for you to follow. Simply email Ngaio or Rebecca at info@korucremation.com and we will gladly share them with you.
You can also seek help from a professional. The talent of gathering stories and sharing them in a condensed and heartfelt way is a skill that great Celebrants possess. We highly encourage families to engage the services of a Celebrant who not only help give structure to the tribute service itself and are present to lead and guide everyone on the day of the service, but oftentimes they are a great resource when it comes to helping with writing and delivering a eulogy. There are a number of Celebrants listed on KORU’s website in our Resources section (scroll down to LifeCelebrants, Ceremonialists & Death Doulas to see the list).
Crafting an obituary or eulogy can be a challenging task, yet it offers a unique opportunity to honour your deceased loved one by giving voice to their memory. The true impact of these pieces lies not in their structure or format, but in the genuine authenticity, honesty, and love you infuse into them. These heartfelt elements are what will truly resonate with those who read or hear your words.
